The makings of a Marla

A few months ago I found a lump in my left breast, I have since named it SheRa, but we will get to that later.  What came from the discovery of SheRa was the realization that I wanted to be Marla Singer.  Yes, that Marla.  The beautiful knees and elbows of fight club, her large eyes void and dazed in a kind of space cadet innocence.  I wanted her second hand scrappy wardrobe that reeks of smoke and long night discussions about the totality of it all.  That’s when I realized that this home life has become unsatisfying. 

Like Marla, I was sitting in an office with my breast lump and doom thinking “This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time…”  Now, mind you I have, had, am yet to get a lot to live for so I do seem to skew the lines a bit and fight the emptiness of that statement.  However, it did cross my mind in flash as they ultrasound-ed my breast, that if I was dying I didn’t really want to know about it.  It was almost a moment that I wanted to walk out of that office and see life as able to be shut down at any moment.  It made each moment before the diagnosis more precious and fleeting.  You start to let go of all the ridiculous little bits of stupid that you have stacked up around you to blind yourself from living, the people you hold onto seem to slip through your fingers and you re-evaluate whether or not you really want to hold on anymore.  In that moment you give up, you make peace… even if it’s only with yourself. 

Turns out it was just a lump of muscle tissue, hence the SheRa… Get it? I know, I’m hysterical.  Now in the book Marla never finds out if she has cancer and continues on with a life of wanting to be around the dying to make herself feel alive and in that meets the narrator.  Me I breathed a sigh of relief and went on about my life repairing the stacks of crap to separate myself from feeling alive.  Until today, I don’t know if it’s the start of another manic state or if I am just getting an itch again but, I need a change.  It makes me want to rip my skin off, melt off all these plans that didn't pan out... 

I want a period of carefree recklaceness. I feel as though my soul has been split in two.  Who I am and who you see couldn't be more different.  So the only solution is to change it all...