Asking for support is not extortion: A rant about deadbeats

We, as a society, need to stop glorifying men who do what they are supposed to and instead turn our attention on stopping the injustice being done to our children.  When a man and a woman create a child and the man cares for and supports his we act as if this man should be put up on a pedestal, he is a hero.  For doing what you should do anyway?  Does that mean the mother is a goddess?  Oh no, you see what you get on that is “well she’s a mom…”  So, you’re saying us doing our part is expected but a man towing his line is optional?  I’m sorry didn’t the man donate half of the material needed to create the child?  Suddenly because he decides it’s too much he has the option to walk out?  No, he doesn’t.  He has the right to end a relationship but not the right to walk away from taking care of his child.

 

Let me give you my experience, and maybe you can see why this “Pro-Dad” campaigne feels very anti-mom to me.  I gave birth to my son nearly 4 years ago, and it was one of the happiest and most fulfilling days of my life.  What transpired after, and even what led to that day, has opened my eyes to just how much people only see what they want to see.  Once the thrill of the hospital was over, my son and I went home to start our life together with promises from his father to help… How he intended to do that from 40 miles away with no job or car was a little fact I over looked because he “loved” the baby.

 

The first month was eye opening as did the work of two of us and tried to heal my own body simultaneously.  I did the shopping, the cleaning, the changing, the dressing, the washing, the soothing and the cooing.  Not to mention the rocking to sleep only to be woken by the hunger calls every two hours.  Still this was motherhood and I was determined, if other women can do it so can I, and besides my son’s father was supposed to help any day now… Surprise, the month ran out and slowly so was my patience for the man who couldn’t seem to find a job in the sea of help wanted adds.  Surely he came to vist, didn’t he?  No, that too was up to me to pack the bag, the baby, and my car, buy the gas and pay for every expense during the visit which included his cigarettes and alcohol… because you need those when your infant shows up.  I was also asked most every visit to clean or to use my car to do things for the sister and her offspring.  All of this was to be expected and after all, he loved my son.  This was the same son that he barely saw during the visit, the infant he passed to anyone else during visits so that he could sleep or watch tv, most of the time it was back to me who was hoping on reprieve.

 

By month two, this “loving father” was gone, having never paid a bill or helped lift a finger and I was to return to work.  That right 40 plus a week selling mattresses, then back home to be mom all night… Wash, rinse, repeat.  Right around that time I started noticing pictures around the mall urging people to praise the men that take care of their children… At first I nodded, yes reward good behavior, but then it dawned on me… There are no signs praising women who do their jobs as parents.  In fact, over the years it’s become down right degrading to be a mom while we coddle bad behavior.

 

What am I talking about?  Well, today I open my face book and see a friend of mine post a picture that states that a true dead beat is a woman who keeps her child from a loving father.  Um, I know Kenny can tell you he loves my son… but, what has he really done to show that love besides state it repeatedly?  I’m here in the trenches fighting to keep our life going and he’s out drinking and gallivanting.  My son has encompassed my life, as he should, and I’m the dead beat for not making sure the two have a connection.  That is not my job.  He took it upon himself to leave, to not support his child, not me.  Please don’t misunderstand a woman’s asking for support with extorting a child.  I have earned the right to hold my head up as a parent.  I have provided him with a life, with love and have asked for nothing in return but the help I was promised when the man who left us said he would be there… If that makes me an evil person in your eyes, let me ask you how is it fair that I do all of the work and he gets the joy?      

I hate the S in single...

The “S” in single mom seems to change meaning from person to person. In my experience so far, I’ve gotten saint, sinner, superhero, slut, and stupid. I don’t think any of those really define me at all, to me the single only designates the fact that I’m without a partner. Moving through this life with my son has been one of the biggest adventures of my life, one that I would never trade, still I can’t seem to wrap my brain around some of the more warped opinions on this ignorant planet. I’m going to go through these, some are funny and some are hurtful but, maybe someday I can help change peoples minds about women in my situation.

Saint: This is one of the most double sided misconceptions of single parenting that drives me insane. I’ve only run across it a few times but the few I have made the experience memorable. The saint: “Oh so you’re doing this by yourself? Bless you… It’s so amazing to see someone trying so hard.” Yes, I’ve actually heard this. So the “saint” is when the person speaking has decided that you raising another human being without the other parent is some supernatural event. It’s not, it’s my life. We as a society seem to want to put some badge of honor on people doing what they should, you had a child… you raise it…

Sinner: Okay, I had a child out of wed lock, I get it, that’s a no no. However, I would like to point out the same values that condemns me also condemns your actions in condemning me. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone…” My sinner status was something that like all humans, according to tradition, I was born in… Furthermore it’s between me and my fait not you, me and my faith. Feel free to take your judgments else where just as I reserve passing mine on your actions.

Superhero: This one kind of piggy backs the saint. I’m a working mom who punches the clock 40 hours a week, I work out when I can, keep us fed and try to keep us comfy. For some reason there is a group of people who believes this takes superpowers… what it takes is practice and addiction to caffeine, he “Mombie” is a real thing.

Slut: Yes, having a child proves that at one time I had a sex life… However, he’s also been an amazing source of abstinence infused birth control. I realize that not all single moms abstain but, society needs to see that not all of us spend our nights with our ankles by our ears.

Stupid: Making a bad choice is not the same as being mentally insufficient. When I met my son’s father I thought it was a real forever deal. The problem was that we were both into the idea each other had of the other and not the reality. Just because I realized that my priorities changed and left a toxic situation doesn’t mean that I was stupid. I was misinformed on how majorly flawed my life was. I call it blinded by bliss.

Now, even though these were all S words in my attempt what it boils down to the biggest beef I have is whether it’s damaged or different society seems to have stopped treating me like a person and that needs to stop. I live a regular life and I’m helping to shape another life… So, maybe the single should be just be a relationship status, cause in the end it’s the Mom that counts.

Just a thought

Well here we are on Monday afternoon and I finally get the time to crack open the processor and get out something that hasn’t been really bugging me but, I need to say…

An Open Letter to Men

I am a single mom and make sure to fully disclose this fact from the beginning.  I make no great length to hide my son’s existence; in fact his foot print is tattooed on my forearm.  I take a lot of pride in being a mom and my son’s mini milestones, and can tell you all about how awesome he is all the time, but I don’t.  In fact when it comes to every one of my friends that I have picked up in various locations of the adult variety, only about 5% of them ever see my son in the flesh.  So, when you tell me that you cannot be involved with me because I have a child, I laugh. 

Now, I know that most men do not want to step up to another man’s plate but, I never asked you to.  In fact I thought we had been just flirting for the past two months and was responding to the actions you had taken.  Let me clarify. 

If a man approaches a woman and engages in flirtatious activity, comments, flattery and physical behavior with a woman who has fully disclosed all of her personal information pertaining to offspring and living situations one could gather he has come to the conclusions that he has assumed the risk.  Apparently I am incorrect.  You see what I had experienced on Friday evening was a cowardly lion who knowing full well my situation had previously engaged in a bit of a tryst with me.  Mind you this didn’t go very far, and I am thankful for that, but still it seemed to be positive on both sides for a few months leading up to this moment, when he decides to tell me that because of my son, he cannot be involved with me.  Well, I’m glad that this major part of my life that I never showed interest in sharing with you and that you had known about the whole time is too much for you.

Never once have I ever tried to daddy up anyone I’ve been involved with.  My son has a head strong and powerful role model in me and I have been playing all sides for three years.  I would like men to know that using our children as an excuse to dismiss us is fine, but do not hold out until we believe there could be something there.  If a woman with a child is not for you I highly suggest that when you find out about said child that it ends right there.  Not after a flirtation, not after a swapping of information, and although not pertaining to this case definitely before swapping bodily fluids!  It is perfectly okay that I and other women like me get skipped over because we have offspring, but it is not okay for you to dangle a toe in the water while you decide if we are too much to handle. 

KThanxBai