Ninja Please...

We open on our guys in a desperate situation of no work and bills piling up, like that’s anything new for Shawn and Gus.  So what do you think they spend their free time doing?  That’s right, coming up with ridiculous crimes to solve that haven’t really happened.  Between Shawn and Gus, they come up with plots based around puppets, competitive eating, and suggestive hot dogs… all around it ends in the phrase “Ninja please…”  Thanks for that Gus.

Meanwhile in the coroner’s office of beautiful, murderous Santa Barbara Woody works away at his latest “patient.”  In comes an imposing figure with a creepy Cajun accent and he attempts to roll out a body.  Woody explains that due to the body being a John Doe, he cannot allow the man to take it and then we get a gun.  Our dopey coroner is taken hostage by Cyrus, an ex con who was trying to make a life for himself.  It turns out the body is a murder victim “Wilson” who he had beef with in jail and Cyrus believes he is being set up.  Woody is quick to try to help Cyrus and begins an honest dialogue.

The precinct is swamped as Chief Trout rallies the officers for a standoff when Shawn and Gus arrive.  As true to his character Trout dismisses the two and assigns Lassie to a ridiculous detail far from the scene.  Trout is blowing the situation out of control as he readies for a hail of bullets, he intends to shot first, and you thought Han was bad.

With the dynamic dunderheads locked out of the police department we see the return of the half beard scheme.  I’m so disappointed in these two I expected way more by this season.  However it did get them into a holding cell which is a good start, at least they are inside right?

Woody talks Cyrus into asking for Shawn and Gus explaining they are not cops so he can trust them.  Of course he also talks him into asking for American cheese and seedless grapes so we know where his head is.  Cyrus explains to the creators of psych that he crossed paths with the deceased in a halfway house but, he didn’t kill him at all.  He explains he has a wife that loves him and doesn’t want to be railroaded back to jail.

Cyrus’s P.O. and wife arrive in the station and Trout makes it clear he is trigger happy and more than willing to shoot to kill.  Trout decides to let Woody have his pills delivered by Lassie, inside the bottles is a tiny camera and now it’s very real to Juliet that if she doesn’t slow Trout down they might lose Woody in the crossfire.  Seriously? How has Trout not been jailed before now?!

Shawn and Gus arrive at the halfway house under the guise of a Vato and his P.O., every one welcome Emilio Estevez Estavieez… Or Shawn in a bandana and grey plaid bottom up with only the collar button done.  They are let in and given a rundown of the facility by Rocko explaining the Maurice runs the house but he’s not in right now.  Leaving Shawn and Gus alone in the deceased room they find pictures of him and Cyrus’s wife.  Uh-oh.

Confronted with the evidence of the affair she cops to it and explains she had broken it off because he was hanging out with bad people (Like adulterers?).  Still the two decide that they need to go back to the half-way house to confront the man in charge, Maurice… Unfortunately, he’s not too talkative on account that he is deceased as well.  Bum bum bum…  In his room they find a lottery ticket which proves Maurice was looking the other way on letting Wilson break the house rules about going more than 10 miles away and later than 9pm.  

To slow down Trout Juliet decides to go in as Woody’s estranged daughter in an attempt to talk Cyrus into letting Woody go.  This ends in a disturbing “the birds and the bees” talk between the two that makes even me uncomfortable.  Woody convinces Cyrus to let him and Juliet autopsy the body to prove that he is innocent due to a large amount of sulfuric acid in the body’s wounds proving that Wilson was not killed in Cyrus’s home thus clearing him of circumstance evidence.  Meanwhile Trout moves in quickly forcing Juliet to place herself between Cyrus and Trout.

The acid leads Gus and Shawn to a fertilizer plant and ultimately the scene of the first murder.  It is here where Shawn using his acute sense of observation pulls it together and calls it into Lassie.  It was the P.O. who caught Wilson sneaking around and making money on his old life (what that was I’m not entirely sure) and demanded a cut, then in turn bribed Maurice to look the other way on the rules.  When Wilson tried to go straight the P.O. was already in too deep and so he killed the two coconspirators to keep the whole “stinking” thing quiet.  Now after all of that you’d assume they would get a hero’s accommodation right?  Oh no, they all get fired… Well kinda fired, Shawn and Gus were never really hired so it’s hard to fire them.  There is justice in Santa Barbra however when Trout in turn is fired for nearly killing Woody… so there’s that.

I cannot express my disappointment at this season enough.  Where did my fun cast of eccentrics go?  The first episode of the season was awesome, now it just feels like forced pseudo wit.  Come back to me psych!  I miss you!  Most of this show has turned into a grandiose idea of how to bend logic.  Hopefully we get chief Vick back and we can go back to our brave Shawn and Fashionably astute Gus solving crimes by placing a finger to their heads and bantering 80’s lyrics.   

Here there be dragons... kinda

Sorry I’m so late everyone, and by everyone I mean the people that drift in and out, I’m finally getting a chance to sit down and get this review out.   So I, like all small children had a dream, my dream was to make monsters.  I wanted, with every little beat of my heart to design those little things that seem to go bump in the night so loudly that you hide under your blanket and pray for day light.  Naturally, I became a book keeping mom.  That’s close right?!  So when Syfi put forth the series Face Off I was giddy, and then I watched it… To date it has been a total hit and miss for me, there are nights where I want to cry, it’s so beautiful, but most night I want to scream “What the fuck are you thinking?!”  Tuesday night was no exception.

                                                                                                                                     

We open with the prospect of the season’s first individual challenge.  I’m actually really excited that we are moving out of team challenges; it allows each person’s work to flourish or fail.  This week we are doing dragons.  Normally the “ren faire” geek in me would squeal with unbridled passion; however I have never truly been too much of a dragon fan.  True, they are huge scaled beasts of perpetual scaled, and fiery awesome in theory, that theory does not translate well as a monster makeup.  As a CGI or maybe an animation you don’t worry about things like weight or physics, in a limitless world everything is possible in the makeup game, you just have to make it look like anything is possible (without ya know, breaking the laws of gravity, physics, nature in general).   The twist on these dragons is that they breathe other things besides fire like Ice, slime, acid, sand blah blah blah the explanation of the challenge never really thrills me.  What I did like however is that they used “Point Doom” to give out the challenge.  Now this is a famous spot for a few movie shots but the one that made my heart go pitter-pat is that it is the scene backdrop of the last scene of the original Planet of the Apes film.  Here are my props to you Face Off for your use of epic location!

 

So off we go with our inspirations of crazy scaled goodness, most of the creatures looking like human lizard hybrids on paper (muy disappointing).  This crop of monster masters really seem to not be getting that the first day needs to be a firm step into the molding room.  It’s only week three right?

 

So right away there is a major blunder/sin/boo boo what have you, with Tess brilliantly sculpting only half the face for her quilled disaster.  Now she gets to play catch up with the other side and try to make it seamless, good lick with that.   Chloe seems to be very unconfident this week, where is my sculptor from the first week?  This week she has a mold debacle and only has a head.  Nicko’s chest breaks apart as he attempts to remove it, safe to say everyone’s got molding issues this week.  Everyone Tyler who as he puts last touches out decides “hey I’ve got time, I’ll just sculpt the best wing profile ever in the history of this show… no biggie.”  The models enter to be dressed and Chloe is scrambling to paint as Tess freaks out about her broken leg pieces.  These two should never work together unless it’s being filmed for biggest whiners. 

 

Chloe decides to cover half her makeup in rags and doesn’t paint any of the back then drapes fabric all over the model.  It’s a sea horse in a dress really.  I have never been so disappointed in someone with beautiful hair in my life.  Let’s just entitle the whole episode “How Chloe fails”, or even better “Sand Blasted Sea Horses Caught in a Net of Ugly Green Chiffon…” the first on is probably best…

 

Tyler’s looks amazing, if you define amazing as a frozen turkey buzzard.  Literally, it looks like a lizard mated with a buzzard on a glacier and the baby spits ice.  The wing span and construct was pretty cool though.  I think he looked to the skessis for inspiration.

 

Tess turned in a purple, quilled Halloween project from a high school larper.  You can see where the face was applied, there is no caul, the model’s hair is sticking out of the back of this oddly built feather headband.  I don’t even want to begin to understand where it was going.

 

Tanner turned in an angry red frog, with big chunks of rock coming out of odd angles.  What got to me was that the bright yellow eyes were lop sided.  It was a cool build, decently painted, and presented effectively, but that run away eye killed it.

 

Rashad’s tarred beast seems to take up the stage.  No really, shits big.  I was impressed that he built up the individual scales.  I think that it shows his versatility to work in differing mediums and gives him a chance to display all his skills.  He makes up for his lack of experience with his ability to learn and utilize many differing processes.  Then he goes and gives it the worst under-bite in history…  Good job bud… *Face palm*

 

Niko is a no go, picture a naked mole rat screwed a porcupine and they had a terracotta pot colored baby.  That’s all you can really say.  There was effort in the sculpt, but for the over work the rest just resisted coming together at all.

 

Matt, I have no words.  It was a cone head with scales.  That’s all.

 

Grahm I was completely against, I can admit that.  In my defense he presented the idea that he was going to build a slime-dog-lizard-bull-blegh, whatever that meant.  I kept yelling “Man bear pig!”  What he presented was horrifyingly awesome.  The slime, the puss sacks, the green sick color… oh look it’s lunch time J.

 

George, who should have gone home last week!  Dear, sweet George gave us a red and black view of hell this week.  He wanted to embrace a hell, and fire, but I don’t know if it’s just me but all it did was ring in as demon.  Awesome looking demon, and in some cultures they may be the same, but a dragon that was not.

 

Daran’s acid spitting thing shall be filed under reasons to never wear fur pants.  The concept was there but the execution clearly was lacking.  I would have gone more into bone details, the bottom jaw just looks unfinished.  Try better next week man!

 

Daniel’s slime sea creature, because nothing about that had anything to do with a dragon, just made life un-comfy with too much bright yellow and time spent on sculpting what looked like fur-feather scales.  To clash completely he dressed her in a tacky floral kimono with no base in any realm of dragon.  This saddened me because the drawings had huge fins added to the face that would totally help. 

 

Corinne’s monster/ dragon disaster looked like it was a punk rock character from the show Dinosaurs, and if you don’t know that show look into it on Net Flicks.  The Mohawk of spiked weirdness sitting atop an oddly shaped head just hurts…

 

Cat had my vote this week; I’m a sucker for ice and sex.  She brought forth a beautifully ice sickled dragon slice of sex appeal.  Then I looked closer, the blending will bleed your eyes.  So wrong… The coat was amazing though, so you know there’s that.

 

In the end Tyler clenches a win with his amazing winged profile and Daniel is sent packing for his lock of anything remotely dragon, and poor taste in kimonos.  I sure hope the idea of getting worse before it gets better ends its stride with this episode.    


Gallery of the dragon flops

The end of an era

We return to New Orleans to finish up what I have come to truly love, American Horror Story: Coven.   I can say with all the sadness of my heart, I just never wanted this show to end.  True when it opened, with a gang bang I was tempted to give up on it, however with last night’s series finale I’ll miss my wed night haunt.

 

We open with Stevie Knicks singing about the “seven wonders,” looking great in her top hat and dress I might add.  A lot of the fans I’ve talked to dislike Stevie’s appearances on the show however, I love her addition and the fact that she can get a small nod.  If you know anything about her career, there has constantly been talk of witchcraft in her background, so who better than the biggest witch in the music industry?

The four challengers for the supremacy are Madison, Queeney, Zoey and Misty.  The four file in decked out in their best black outfits, I will say wardrobe is a bit cliché. 

 

First challenge: Telekinesis

 

All four girls exhibit a grasp of these powers, Madison especially since it has always been the base of her appearance in the coven.  Misty seems to be the weakest witch struggling to bring forward a candle stick.  This does not bode well for our poor Miss Day.

 

Second challenge: Mind control

 

So the only part of this challenge that was worth recapping is Madison and Zoey’s fight.  Kyle becomes a pawn between the two “twitches” as Madison forces him to kiss her sending Zoey into a rage.  Madison eats it up making Kyle drop to his knees to lick her shoes.  So there he is tongue extended when Zoey breaks Madison’s “hold” and brings him to her kissing him passionately.  Madison is not the girl to lose, and makes Kyle nearly choke Zoey.

 

Third challenge: Transcending the plains

 

After Cordelia breaks up the fight by making Kyle fly across the room, ouch, it’s time to go to hell.  No really the third challenge is moving your spiritual being to a realm of hell… Why you would want to is redonkulous but, never the less here we go right?  Wrong!  If you do not make it back to your body by morning… you stay in hell.  Screw that!

 

However that is exactly what happens to poor Misty.  She becomes trapped in an endless bio lab where she must kill an innocent frog over and over again for an eternity.  For a sensitive soul like misty, this is an eternity of suffering beyond limit.  Truly, if there were a hell for her beauty, this is it.

 

Fourth challenge: Transmutation

 

After showing no remorse for the loss of Misty the girls use this power to play tag.  That’s right, our friend just disintegrated to hell for an eternity… let’s play a school yard game!  This is all fun and games till Zoey ends up mutilated on top of a spiked gate.

 

Madison, obviously not sorry for the loss at all, is called upon to help bring her back.  Unless it means the supremacy, Madison isn’t interested and states that unless they make her supreme right now, Zoey can remain worm food.  In response Cordelia resolves to challenge for the supremacy. 

 

Fifth Challenge: Pyro-mancy

This power has run rampant through the whole series and is kind of rushed through as if they wanted to count 1,2,3,4,6,7… Needless to say the competitors pay it as little attention as the audience.

 

Sixth Challenge: Divinations

 

We should really just title this one “Madison’s fail.”  The challenge is to read the location of a hidden item in the house using pebbles.  This is easy for Cordelia who finds her broach quickly, leaving Madison to believe it’s easy.  This is when she falls on her face.  No matter how hard she tries she cannot read it and leaves the room to pack and sulk threatening to oust the coven. 

 

Seventh Challenge: Raising the dead

 

So now we move to bring back Zoey!  Okay we all knew she couldn’t be gone forever right?  While Cordelia brings her back Kyle moves in on his own plan.  Like the devoted dog, Kyle enters in on Madison packing.  In his grief he starts to ruff her up until finally he goes in for the kill.  As Madison expires, Zoey rockets to life and Cordelia is thrown as the powers of the supreme enter her body.  After obtaining the powers of the supreme Cordelia’s eyes are restored to her and she is glowing with her new found radiance.

 

Now on the cusp of her reign Cordelia speaks out introducing the world to the coven and inviting other witches to join them, offering them sanctuary in New Orleans.  As they ready the school for an influx of new blood, the old blood must be washed away.  Mertile Snow must be judged and burned for the murder of two witches earlier in the show and a council is created out of Queeny and Zoey… The loss of Mertile, I can’t say I agree because you would need that third voice but also, this is the only source of a mother’s compassion Cordelia has ever known. 

 

From the ashes of Mertile rises promise that the dark time shall be lifted from the coven.  Enter in Fiona, or a skeleton version of the fashionable, ex-supreme.  She explains how she faked her death and planned to kill the next supreme but, in a tender yet still volatile and hurtful moment she explains how Cordelia was a walking reminder of her mortality.  That every time she saw her daughter the only thing she could truly see was her own death.  As she rests in Cordelia’s arms, Cordelia tells her that this is a road that she must travel, and she must let go.  Let go she does, straight to hell, a farm house in the swamp with the axe man… quaint and yet justice.

With the death of Fiona we welcome a new era to the coven… Good Luck Ladies!

Marla to mama to patient zero *ding*

So when I say that my life moves at twice the speed of spaz… I’m not kidding.  I consistently have to slam on the breaks Sunday afternoons and wonder what exactly just happened to me.  This weekend was absolutely no exception to the wonderful little rule.  Although, I didn’t think it was going to go anywhere at all. 

 

Seeing as it started at 11:45pm, to say I hit the bar a tiny bit harder may be a bit conservative.  In my defense I was wearing the beautiful red dress I had purchased earlier that evening, and with brilliantly long loose curls and kiss me red lips, (thanks to the lip tar in vintage) I was on fire.   After one Blue Moon in, however the fire was starting to fizzle.  Unfortunately, my favorite bar tender had the night off and I was served by his “bitchtender” counterpart who suddenly decided not to spin her head around and puke green stuff all over me.     Score.  Come to find out she’s now dating and acquaintance of mine which makes me call into question his tastes, but a lid for every pot right?

 

After beer two, the reindeer games seemed to take off as the patio was graced with two “little girls” who couldn’t have been more than perhaps 23.  Not that there is anything wrong with being young, however, being young in orange county seems to come along with being dumb.  

 

Case evidence:  Girl one is in ripped up skinny jeans, cute combat boots, and an oversized rock tee and over-stretched thin sweater… she had a slim build, it looked good.  Until you got to her head, she was wearing a black knit cap with a knot tied in the back, suddenly my arch nemesis (yes people can have an  arch nemesis) blurts out what a few of us where probably thinking: “You look like you are wearing a used condom on your head…”  Now as a grown woman, I would be offended and possibly decide now is when to continue drinking away from some moron who wants to compare my chosen fashion to a used prophylactic, not her.  She takes it with stars in the eyes and starts flirting away.  The sad part is that it is that desperate kind of flirting that says, “hey look at me… no really look at me… ask me for my number and buy me beer… look at me…” This continued for another 20 min, with her friend giggling and chiming in every other sentence.  All I could do is laugh and ask my guy friend how the hell it works… He told me to wait and watch because it doesn’t. 

 

By the end of the night it was painfully obvious that it didn’t work, however it wasn’t what I expected at all.  It was condom head being rejected.  I had to have it explained as my nemesis got in the car for our denny’s ritual, the early 20’s droids from planet look at me only work so much.  That’s when we saw her and her friend get into a car bleary eyed with the last two guys at the bar.

Next on our trip was quesadillas and coffee at Denny's where my nemesis tried to explain the finer points of bullshit.  

After settling the check we both run into... You guessed it condom head and friends.  This time she was carrying a boxed salad, this lead us to believe her "date" wasn't ending up in anything but a side hug.  After a long goodbye, the night gave way to day.

This is when I wake up with a mildly anoying sore throat and sniffle.  Still I promised Disneyland.

Dear happiest place on earth,

Fuck your parking garage procedures!  I swear this couldn't get more complicated if I tried to screw it up.  You can't load evenly or what?!

Then of course there is the choice of walking to the park or waiting in the first line of the day... The tram... I usually just huff it, makes more sense.

Once inside, well here's some of the fun we had :).

 

Still for all the fun... There was Sunday...

Sunday was wake up feeling like death day... And I've been on the couch since...

A moment of shop...

So as I sat in my office, the world passing in front of me in rapid succession of boring images, I could only come to one conclusion... I need an injection of materialism.  It's time to do what I love and give into the shopping gods.  

So I decided to hit up the irvine spectrum for a quick retail drive by.  With the overcast evening closing in quickly I found parking easy which is an awesome turn of events for a Friday!  So down the steps of the parking garage descends my matte leather ivanka trump heals and into forever 21.  

Sadly there was not the huge blow out of clearance items I was hoping for... In fact I was going to give up when suddenly something raised my spirits, from across the room called a spicy little red number with a muy callente price tag! 7.80 and that was before any sale, my friends often dislike these things because they don't have "staying power," despite the fact that I've had pieces last 5 years and are still in good shape, at 7.80 I think one wear pays for itself! 

For 8 bucks it has a decent length, I wouldn't dry it... But that's me :).  The material feels like a jersey knit that is kind of summery feeling.  For the winter I recommend some sweater stockings.

What always gets me is impulse buys.  It's like they set up everything I always never wanted in the freakin line.  This time I picked up gifts for my mom, not that we are in the gift giving mood lately but that's a different story.  She's obsessed with foot care and frenchies, with both of them being 5 bucks I really didn't have to break the bank.

The sock masques kind of creep my out, I hope she has fun with them.

After that was a coffee run to the Nordstrom EBar.  It's a bit of a pain but the coffee is way better than a Starbucks and three words Honey Almond Latte.  With non fat milk the small is 180 cals of sweet and savory roasted joy.  Today, I went decodent with a brown butter sea salt cookie... Dear god! No really this cookie is deadly!  Go get one!  Right now!  It's a soft buttery warm flavor with sharp hints of salt.  Crave!

After fueling up I wondered out into the hustle and bustle and assorted commotions to find... Hipsters.  Oh I am not sure why but hipsters just suck.  Especially hipster men, or I should say bulkier men.  Here are men of manly girth and facial hair, decorated with tattoos, looking masculine until the eyes drift to the skinny jeans.  Umm, seriously?  You look like a chest and stomach on tooth picks... Why?!

Well by that time my moment of shopping had left me and it was time for yet another adventure else where.

 

TV round up

So it’s Thursday, January 23, 2014 and I have been having one of the most horrifically paper work infused weeks I have ever encountered in my book keeping career, it’s as if the heavens have opened and vomited an acid rain of forms on the cube of doom.  Still I promised I would eek out a blog entry and by god here it is…

First off, can I just say that Face Off is crap this season.  I know that it always starts off rough to weed out some of the weaker players but, if you are going to do a group challenge kick all the members of the group off.  I know that sounds harsh but whenever it’s a group effort, despite what the contestants say they were or were not responsible for they tend to throw the one that worked hardest off.

Such is the case of poor, sweet Bethany.  Let me back up and tell you what happened in the episode that leads us to this week’s exit.  The challenge is to create an alien life form displays a decoded message from a crop circle, they range from “the ice caps are melting” to “gravity shifting.”  This is a team of two build and the preselected partners get to work trying to cohesively build their outer space inhabitant.

Straight out of the gate Cat and Matt are shooting each other in the face with an abstract idea that leads to an “elephant man” looking caul that Matt assures will look good with the final paint.  Cat is less than trusting of the moronic Matt… (Can you tell I already do not like this guy?) She seems to find every opportunity to ask and point out, sometimes even challenge his very animalistic sculpt, but in the end does little to prevent it from happening.  In the end, their “our sun is dying” alien, just seemed to die in paint application. 

Daren and Tanner begin work on, what I will forever refer to as, melted bubble gum face.  These guys have a serious love of gelatin molding this season which I cannot say I truly understand given that foam based medium makes for a nice application, unless it’s for a differing texture but even still don’t make it in pepto pink!  The twosome begin crafting hands for their melting ice cap monster piece and it seems to be a process with some nice back and forth.

George and Bethany move it right along with a great ebb and flow of dialogue and you think there is no way these two are going into bottom look.  That is until the caul breaks, George’s fault, by the way, and he panics.  Bethany reassures him it will be alright and begins work on a respirator piece which was pretty cool… Too bad poor Bethany didn’t put that much effort into the face mold.

Grahm and Chloe have a rocky start to their gravity shift creature.  Grahm who was happy about his pre chosen partner started to regret it when suddenly, he found himself doing a majority of the heavy lifting as Chloe struggled to find inspiration for accessories.  Eventually, after trying every process known to man, and I think some known only to squirrels, she decides to foam mold her weight accessories… what a freakin shock.  Chloe… I love your hair, but did dye affect your brain?

Niko and Corrine have, what looks like to me, a dried out clay monster alien for their running out of water theme.  Now at first you’re looking at this thing, you think well that’s not that elaborate.  Then you go ahead and look a little closer at the cracks in the caul and the detailing of the chest.  It’s a film ready look in my opinion, not however I was not routing for these guys at all during the sculpt of the creature or at the first look.

     Rashad and Tyler put together a toad man.  No really it’s an oversized toad with tons of bright colors that will rape your retina.   Seriously whoever mixed that yellow should either be commended or chastised, my feelings flop from one moment to the next.  Still they made a creature that I could see in a funny alien parody or a sci-fi original movie so good show guys.

The last look was Tess and Daniel.  For some reason I liked this makeup.  The creature was to be overrun with disease, the pair went with spores.  They covered him in various mushrooms and mold.  It was really very beautifully done.  The face had a hint of sadness and you really got a clear sense that he was definitely in distress.

In the end as I said we said good bye to Bethany for her mediocre face and championed Corrine as the winner for her work on the dried out clay looking piece.  I’m bored… 

The next show on my line up was Psych but, it was just a remake of a previous episode, they changed the killer, added a few nuances and a heartfelt moment between Shawn and “pap spencer.”  In the film they spent my hour making fun of remakes and lawyer movies and honestly, unless you really think you miss 2006… you can skip this DVR special… Watch the musical again… Trust me.

Finally the goods… We are fast approaching the end of an era on American Horror Story.  Coven, which has been an absolute joy for me to watch seems to be going to hell, quite literally actually. 

We start off with an explanation of the seven wonders and there is a little mini video of each one before the classic opening credits.  These are silent movie spoofs, but still a lot of fun, until we arrive on Fiona and Queeny who are discussing the supremacy and how the seven wonders are to be tested in a few days’ time.  Marie Lavotte and Misty are still missing, Zoe and her “guard dog” are still at Epcot and Madison is still a twat.  So pretty much it’s business as usual, except that the seven wonders can kill you.  Surprise bitches, errr witches…

Queeny goes looking for Marie Lavotte in Hell and meets the Cajon Devil, Papa.  What is her hell like?  A freakin chicken shack, leave it to the cast member who weighs over 300 pounds to pick a chicken shack.  Papa explains that hell is made up of the worst times in your life… So basically, your going back to high school.  After a brief discussion Queeny points out that Marie is in breach of contract and therefore both she and Kathy Bates’s character are in breach of contract and can now be damned.  The devil is all but gleeful to understand this.  Before you can say bobs your uncle the two are in their own lovely little hell.  Kathy is to spend eternity watching Marie torture her daughter, and Marie must torture a soul who has done her no wrong, turning her into the monster she had been fighting her whole life.  Nice little twist there.

Back at the house Misty is saved from the crypt and Zoe returns with her beau to find that once again Fiona plans to kill off the coven to protect herself from the taking of the supremacy.  The teen witches prepare for war only to find that thanks to a tip from a blind woman the axe man has turned Fiona to gator crap.

After shuffling loose the mortal coil of the axe man the witches now prepare for the seven wonders next week!

 

Whoosh goes the Friday...

So to say that I'm on my way to changing my life is an understatement.  It's been an adventure every step of the way and it's only been a week... 

Today, as soon as it hit 4 I started and can not say I've really had time to stop till now.  So what happened?  Well first I decided that it was time to kick my weekend off with a shopping spree of sorts and in my typical mom fashion, the doors of target whoosh open.  Am I the only one that finds this mega meca of crap to be way too convenient for its own damn good?  I seriously always find the stuff I don't need like this pinky blush by nyx.

I never wear blush but for some god forsaken reason I reached for it, put it in my basket and now it's staring at me... Mocking me... Unaware of my love and affection.  Now the next item has my obvious affections and that's this little gem from e.l.f., the bristles are like an adorable kitten... Happiness.

 

After target it was time to grab the kids, my niece decided she wanted to go... And head to the mall!  This woman has coupons baby! 

First stop was Bath and Body Works for a free sample of lotion in their new Sky.  Now the bottle says violet lilly, both are dramatically apparent and yet shockingly enough, the lilly seems to come out stronger than the violet.  It is creamy and seems to have some staying power, at first, this is pretty deceptive as in about 2 hours is will be only a hint of floral mishmash upon a soft canvas of human flesh.  Still can't beat the price right?

Next, we made our way to origins where I had an email for 3 samples of whatever.  Now I'm going to put it out there, I've never been to origins before, I've heard of them but I have to say at least the people are polite!  I'm going to have to do more looking into what the lady gave me but from what she said it was a mask with charcoal, a tightener, and an eye brightener... Stay tuned!

After origins, we made a stop at the Disney store where the kids decided to try the split up and split approach to drive me absolutely out of my mind and out of the store!  Not that they really had anything worth getting.  

Next we continued on to Sephora where I acquired some new obsessive compulsive cosmetics lip color in vintage.  If you need a matte brick red in your life, ladies this is it.  It's thick, creamy and bold. Use sparingly!

I'm such a fan of this company.  Their lip tar gets the job done and last through sip and through kiss!  A must have for a lip lover.

After sephora my shopping bug really bit me right square in the butt.  On we marched up the mall to the Forever 21 who was blasting the word SALE.  My favorite word!  And my luck the sale is on clearance!

First up this spicy little number:

Now it doesn't look like much on the hanger but the backs pretty cute and it was 8 bucks...

Next we scooped up:

I just loved this 9 dollarsilhouette... The top is a sheer material and the back buttoning collar makes it charming.

Then this little number called me:

      

Unsure about it but worth the gamble on the peplum skirt.

Melinda found me this little treat:

Who doesn't need a navy pleather jacket?

On the way out we grabbed some makeup wipes:

Cucumber lemon!  Two of my absolute favorites!  I love them, quality not so much but for 2.50 you can't beat the comforting sniff.

Next we head to the playground which is short lived thanks to some inconsiderate and just pathetic parenting.

As it turned out a 9 year old girl took a gumball from my son who began to cry.  My niece is very defensive of my son and went after her.  When I and the girls mother get to the scene my niece is ready to swing... And good for her by the way!  The 9 year old admits to taking candy from the 3 year old but refuses to give it back and her mother decides that she shouldn't have to.  My son is clearly upset, the theif is being told it's okay to steal and instead of correcting her daughter she offers my son half a cookie... No it's okay, you don't want to teach your daughter right from wrong I'll make it right and teach my son to avoid people like you and your disgusting child.  Who knew integrity costs .25 cents? 

After that we were pretty much done until I saw this and had to have it and I'll leave you with this pick:

 These are the mints you are looking for!

The Thursday Review

So it’s no secret that mama has a few shows on her rotating schedule of must see usually by Thursday morning all of them have aired so here’s what I’ve been watching and my opinion or what not.

 

Since Once and Walking Dead are on their mid-season breaks, a tradition that I have come to despise, and Drop Dead Diva and Game of Thrones keeping us waiting for the season premiers my must see starts Tuesdays for a while.  First up, we are going to start with the Sci-Fi channels “American Idol” that is known as Face Off.

 

Face Off Needs A Face Lift

 

                So this is season 6, am I the only one that thinks it’s been on way longer than 6?  Once again we gather to watch 15 hopefuls file in and get their egos crushed as they compete to create a slew of some of the most interesting and also some of the lamest ideas that a panel of esteemed judges can slowly bleed out from the slits of depression, after realizing this is what is to become of their craft. 

                The show opened with it’s typical roll call which like most people I spent trying to figure out if there is a “cute one” this season or even if I really care about any of them.  Thus far, no cute one, no special one, okay just kidding I’m having a love affair with Chloe’s Ariel red hair and McKenzie’s first blue stripe dress.  That will tell you how interesting I find this crop...

                So they kick off the foundation challenge with guest judge Tammy Lane who was an academy award winner for The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe as well as being nominated for The Hobbit.  The challenge presents itself with a parade of beautiful larger than life wigs on a line of models, the contestants need to balance a makeup with the chosen wig and also create a character that is clear and readable.  What ensues is kind of laughably dull…

Apparently a few of the contestants are roommates in real life, blah blah blah.  Grahm is weird and fashionable, boring.  Daren thinks purple hair with lights in it is extreme… Finally it’s over and we start presentations.  Bethany goes first and what we get is stunning!  I’m sorry maybe it’s my love of Marie Antoinette but give me an oversized fluffy wig of Victorian French Courtier and then slash half the pretty bitch’s face off and I’m in.  Then comes George’s Voodoo Queen, and she is brilliantly bronzed lol.  To say that she is gold dusted wouldn’t be doing this disco dust any justice.  He does however balance it out with the most beautiful cornflower blue I have ever seen so I can forgive him.  He also did well at balancing out the idea by balancing a chest wound focal point which makes his model less top heavy.   Then there is Rashad’s disturbing bird thing… I don’t even know where to start until they reveal he is pretty much self-taught and works in fast food doing make ups on the side.    Suddenly freaky bird thing with disturbing prosthetics makes sense.  After that they speed through the rest of the looks and name George the winner telling him that he has immunity and an advantage in the spot light challenge.

The spotlight challenge is announced at a beautiful castle, a line of lovely dressed princesses descend the stairs to our contestants and it is revealed we are going “Beauty and the Beast.”  Each “Belle” has a picture of her castle to influence the type of beast that needs to be created.  The teams are set randomly leaving George who gets to pick whichever team he wants, great prize right?  He chooses Daren and Grahm (awesome weird and unoriginal).  The guest judge for this challenge is Stephen Sommers who worked on Van Helsing, G.I. Joe and The Mummy Films.  He wants scary and sexy, to be honest his description of the beast is all based around the ending kiss and not wanting the audience to be repulsed, I have to agree.

Away the little creators go, as always everyone sculpts away day one and already some groups feel the togetherness and other groups seem to believe they are made of magnets that repel each other.  The one major thing that gets to me is that these people have obviously seen the show by now so why is it that only Tyler gets his crap in the molding room?!  I mean my goal running into the lab would be to get my molds done and ready so day two I can assess what I have and paint.  I understand they all want these incredible sculpts but what typically happens to them? They don’t make it to the molds on time.  So what was all your sculpting worth to you really? Nothing…

Day two brings a molding issue for Rashad who forgot to place burlap to separate mold from manikin for the cowl because of “under cuts” which means they need to chip away at the mold.  Thankfully they save enough of the mold and it continues forward.  Meanwhile Cat and Daniel seem to be failing with Cat pulling the brunt of the molding and Daniel being a lazy asshole.  Suddenly everyone becomes painfully aware that getting molds done early is where it’s at.

Finally it’s application day and look what happens when your molds aren’t done, you get a hodgepodge of spiraling WTFs.  Now we see running and movement out of these morons.  The scramble then leads into the reveal stage which is really why anyone watches this show.  This season the judges get a twist, a one-time immunity deal… sweet, if you really screw up try to plead that you had a bad week.

Beast 1 Niko and Tess:  This beast is set in an almost Aladdin castle setting and they went with a grey wash dragon theme.  Due to mold issues they went with a transparent gelatin mask with an opaque foam mold and prayed for a miracle.  They don’t get it the face cannot emote.  Tess is not so confident in her choices whereas Niko seems like he’s going to need subtitles for the rest of the show.  The nose of the dragon seems to shift to one side so he looks confused.

Beast 2 Cat and Daniel:  This is perhaps the most traditional beast, looking part lion with a rose staff and oh yeah, half a human face sticking out.  Beauty and the Gore Monster!  All in all good work but utterly uninspired.

Beast 3 Daren, George and Grahm:  This beast looks like he is turning into the stone that his castle is made of, he does have a lot of details in the cowl which are lovely but there is an off putting pink shade under the massive chest plate.  It’s not like it smacks you in the face but it does make you look twice.  The face itself was well sculpted with an inset eye giving him a human yet, other worldly look.

Beast 4 Corrine and Tanner:  Oh my, what have you done?!  This is an abominable snow man whose face was hit by a semi-truck.  Literally, it comes off as an ape covered in dryer lint with fake ass elf ears, poor puppy!  I’m wondering if the face was out of a mold or a really bad grouping of random prosthetics…

Beast 5 Tyler and Bethany:  So next on out what was that parade of “WHAT THE…” Is this gem, I like to call it “Mighty mouse with balls.”  So it would appear that they took a picture of an Indian inspired castle and turned it into a blue (you get points for having the appropriate pallet) mouse-man with sever spheres on its head with spikes shoved in them.  No!

Beast 6 Matt and Margret:  It’s an alien! No really I do believe they went extraterrestrial with their moon tower inspired castle.  The problem is it’s a pointy headed glob of chewed bubblegum.  The face is a slap dash smear of putty colored goop.  There isn’t really a redeemable kind of quality, it’s just bad.

Beast 7 Rashad and Chloe: Finally something that is worth looking at, oh wait they pretty much did a version of the creature from the black lagoon.  Well at least it’s interesting to look at.  The details are there and it has a lot of good shape.

In the end the winning team is Rashad and Chloe with Chloe clenching the winning slot as Margret goes home for the alien silly putty face, harsh but sometimes you have to face the fact that your beast ain’t sexy.  Lord help me this better get, well, better…

 

                After I “ripped” my face off I decided to move to something with laughs and stories as well as veiled lame movie references… Psych

Psych Out!

 

                So I really do love this show, it moves at a great pace and I usually get to spend the episode laughing as well as being slightly surprised at how unbelievably over the top these characters are.  This season opened with the masterpiece that was the musical, and then they brought back Cary Elwes in a snatch like first episode that left me craving more, this week, not so much.

We rejoin or Santa Barbra duo as they try to recoup business after getting booted by new police chief Trout, played by Anthony Michael Hall, under the guise of “Motivational Life Coaches” whatever that means, at a police raid.  Shawn attempting to drum up business for their motivational classes with a smaller, skittish looking man gets the poor man arrested.  That will teach him to stand up for himself.  While putting the man in his squad car Lassie spots the raid suspect and dives after him but, he gets no mention or consideration for this, nor for saving the chief from an assassination attempt two days later.  Clearly, Trout don’t like him… 

It seems like they have to once again build out of nothing and in a twist so does Lassie… Poor, poor lassie, as any fan knows the end of last season after succeeding in his personal life and marrying Marlowe he was demoted to beat cop.  A beat cop that will soon be welcoming a new baby lassie!  Yes, I did squee.  With this new information, Lassie seems to have lost his nerve as he starts to panic about possibly being killed in the line of duty.  Naturally, in Lassie fashion, he tells no one leading Shawn to decide he is dying.

Lassie comes to the psych office to hire our dynamic duo making it a trio of confusion.  I don’t think I like beat cop Lassie.  Meanwhile, Juliet Santa Barbara’s newest lead detective is setting in motion to find out the identity and location of their newest serial killer who has Trout in his cross hairs.  First up to be dragged in is Trout’s own mother, this woman is a blended frappe of biker and bizarre.  It’s clear where Trout gets his weirdness from.

Speaking of Trout, this guy is no good.  It just feels like they have gone too far to be crazy.  I keep yelling “you never go full retard!”  I think he could kill the show if they don’t dump him soon.  He gets under the skin and you need serious surgery to get him out of there.

After a shooting at “Java the Cup” which I really wish existed.  Obviously, Trout’s mother could not be the shooter due to her incarceration.  The injured victim, Vance, is an asshole, which leads to the idea that the shooter is targeting A-holes, perhaps to become the grand puba of a-holes.

Lassie is told to take back some personal effects to Vance and comes face to hooded face with the shooter and falls apart.  Lassie cannot seem to get it together and what’s worse Vance gets murdered during Lassie’s panic.  Talk about a rough day right?

The suspect’s car’s VIN leads them to the fishing yard to a security guard who hasn’t shown up in days.  Turns out he is also known as a total D-bag.  Thankfully, he is dead… in a pool of fish guts… wait, why is that good?  Oh yeah because he was the missing link to the other attacked A-holes.

Remember the small guy arrested in the beginning? (Thanks Shawn)  It seems as though being put through that has made him snap worthy and he must kill all the A-holes!  We salute you little man!

The climax of the episode has got to be the Tombstone inspired show down between our killer and Lassie.  Lassie tries desperately to talk him out of the standoff, to no avail.  However, when the killer mentions taking Lassie away from his family, the “danger” comes back to him and suddenly he’s your huckleberry.  (Say when).  Another successful case closed and we end with Henry telling Lassie to always put his family before the job or he will regret it.  Tears.               

 

                My last stop on the TV dial this week had to end on a powerful note of Ameriacan Horror Story: Coven.

 

Which Witch is the Biggest Bitch?

                Thankfully this week we opened back up with Kathy Bates as we find out how she began her museum of horrors.  It’s a very Bathorey-esque beginning with slicing the head from a chicken and the sight of flowing blood.  This of course leads to morbid curiosity that takes hold when she finds an injured house boy.  Suddenly the bored Madame becomes fulfilled in her new passion of dismemberment.  Not a bad way to kick it off and it means that thankfully her plucky little racist will be back in full force.

                Now in the presence the coven gathers to lay low Nan… who fell in the tub.  Misty is still “missing” thanks to Madison and suddenly Queenie who apparently can shoot herself in the head and still live reappears with Bates on a leash.  The broken coven appears to be becoming whole but only on the outside.  On the inside the witches are eating each other alive in small quests for power that seem to leave each other powerless.

                The witch hunters want a truce meeting and the witches agree to hold it in New Orleans on their own territory, clearly home field advantage.  The leader of the hunters reveals to his second that he plans to honor a fair truce what’s comical is that he expects these witches to do the same.

                This episode seems to be fully narrated by Delphinine (Bates).  When it’s revealed she’s telling her life story to the gardener who she is dismembering up in the butlers attic who they still assume has run off.  In all actuality, he is in fact dead and a spirit in the house who offers to help Delphinine kill Marie Lavotte and release her from the curse of immortality in exchange for a limited run baby doll.  After the story, we rejoin Zoe and her corpse beau trying to figure out what lead to Nans demise when they are joined by Madison.  When her affections are revoked by corpse boy she attacks and threatens to rip him apart, at this point I’d believe her.

                Meanwhile Fiona and he axe wielding boy-toy plot to kill the next supreme and run away together to a small farm house to live out their days in a quiet life.  Fiona welcomes the idea that she can live happy, belonging to the axe man.

                Cordillera, the head mistress, comes to talk to Queenie about the incident where her ex-husband shot her in the stomach and to try to piece together how Queenie survived.  She is met with a mad black woman to say the least.  After the confrontation Cordillera attempts to regain her second sight by stabbing out her eyes to protect the coven.  Myrtle warns Fiona that she may want to run lest she and Marie be found out for the murderous tramps they are.  Fiona decides to distance herself from her as she readies for the hunters.

                Myrtle retires to the basement and calls Zoe to join her where she gives her a gem to hawk.  She explains that she needs Zoe to leave with Kyle, to be happy in her happy life with her happy love.  This is her chance to take with her the last of the purity of the coven.  What makes me smile is where she sends them.  Epcot, that’s right send the witch to Florida.

                The meeting commences with the axe man posing as a waiter, Marie and Fiona are quick to make absurd demands, jets and houses worth millions.  The hunters refuse and offer a 100 year truce which Fiona spits at.  With the rejection of the offer comes the axe man’s handy work as he takes apart the meeting man by man until only the head is left for Fiona.  With a smile on his face he tells her to go to hell as she swings the axe.

                The end of the episode both creep-ed me out and gave me joy.  Delphinine acts on Marie trying to drug her, stab her and throw her down stairs believing she had found the potion to make Marie mortal.  It hasn’t, the skeezy butler has lied in order to kidnap the previously kidnaped baby… A living doll all his own… and he leaves poor Delphinine to try to get rid of Marie.  The joy comes from Kyle and Zoe racing forward and jumping on the bus to Florida.  You just want to cheer as they run through the bus terminal and hop on holding hands.  It’s like the breakfast club fist of victory in the air.

 

I’m starting to think I watch too much TV….